Redd Foxx’s Colt 45 Delivery Service

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Synopsis: A bored white guy in a suit sits in the middle of a skiing range while attractive lady skiers come up to him. Meanwhile, Redd Foxx is driving a race car down the mountain, so he can deliver some Colt 45 to the white people and stand there awkwardly with them.

Thoughts: What the fuck? So… Redd Foxx is delivering malt liquor to some random guy in the middle of a mountain because… uh… So he can make funny faces and shout nonsense words, I guess. Also, there is no possible way a guy who owns a suit would actually drink Colt 45. Sorry, I just can’t stretch my disbelief that far.

King Cobra, featuring Fred Williamson

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Synopsis: Fred Williamson, blaxploitation superstar, magically turns a street into a colorized, singing, dancing, and malt liquor drinking street thanks to the power of KING COBRA. Don’t let the smooth taste fool you!

Thoughts: What does “don’t let the smooth taste fool you” mean? Like… it tastes smooth, so you might think it was actually something GOOD instead of what it actually is? But if that’s the case, why would you NOT want to be fooled by that? What the fuck else could that possibly mean? King Cobra, your slogan is a piece of shit and your name sounds like a roller coaster.

Schlitz – Watch out for that Bull

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Synopsis: Some guys come into a store which only sells Schlitz malt liquor, take some of it, and dance around like insane people until a bull breaks through the door. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Thoughts: I… I have no words. I mean, what could I possibly say about this? I’ll tell you this much; if I ever come across a gang of dancers dressed up like Waldo, I am RUNNING THE FUCK AWAY. Also because of the bull.

Nuts & Milk is one of those… well, NES games. I don’t even know what sort of genre these things are. Puzzle? I guess? Anyway, you’re a little pink blob whom I’m assuming is named “Milk” because every time I died the little number beneath the word “MILK” at the top went down by one, and your goal is to collect all the apples and bananas in the level, then go to the pink house where a different pink blob is yelling “HELP!” Once you get up there, the blue blob who’s chasing you (who I guess is named Nuts? Heh. Nuts is a blue ball) dies and you fall in love with the blob in distress.

Yep. That’s pretty much it. I only managed to get to the second level in Nuts & Milk because it’s FUCKING HARD. That little blue fucker’s always trying to kill you, and if you touch him you die, and all you can do is barely hop at all… Oh, and falling down holes kills you too, obviously. Also, I really suck at video games. So… just what the fuck am I supposed to write about, here? How many nut jokes can I really make to pad this thing out? Well… shit. I guess I’ll look at the other “game modes” that this old piece of shit has. WHY NOT.

Okay, here we have game mode B, which is… exactly the same fucking thing except now sometimes a helicopter or dirigible fly across the screen and kill you if they touch you. So mode B just provides MORE opportunities to die, without really doing anything else. And just what the fuck do tiny helicopters have to do with the whole blob-and-fruit motif? Or… maybe they’re normal-sized helicopters, and the pink and blue blobs are fucking HUGE and they’re eating these giant, floating fruits and the military sent in their helicopter and zeppelin air force to stop these horrible monsters. No, that’s dumb.

Oh hey, there’s a “Game Editor” function in this game! That should be fun… Oh, I know! I’ll just make the first level EASIER, so that way I can get through it without any problems whatsoever. That’ll make this game more fun. I’ll just make a level where that nutty (HA) blue fucker can’t possibly get to me and there’s only one fruit and it’s right there and it’s really, really easy, and then the world will be happy and right again. Is that… is that sunshine I see? Oh look, a rainbow! Everything’s going to be just fine now, Milk, you’ll see… You’ll see…

You’ve ruined her for me, you know that? And she’s even wearing our colors! What was once a harmless schoolboy crush on a charming, funny, somewhat obscure but nonetheless cute actress has slowly, steadily curdled into dread every time I see her name, thanks to you jerks and your incessant searching. What are you, perverts? Why must EVERY month the top search be an attractive woman’s name? I’m starting to suspect that the online community has an inordinate number of individuals who spend their time googling attractive starlet’s names, for some reason. What’s really sad is that I only ever brought her up, in this very feature, to replace the LAST crush I had that was run into the ground. Oh well, history is doomed to repeat itself I guess. In that vein, you know who I think’s pretty nifty? The cat’s pajamas? The bee’s knees?

Maria Bamford. Comedienne, sometimes actress, all-around smart and funny and cute as a button. I like her. There, go nuts.

I don’t even really understand what this one refers to. A quick search brings up our article on the top 15 characters in RPGs, but the only mention of the first term in there is some joke about Mass Effect I don’t understand. As close as I can figure it, people are really looking for a similarly named computer game that appears to be a giant Counterstrike clone, only with…

Ah. I’m starting to see a trend. Okay, if that’s what you want, then check out our NRF coverage of Town and Country Surf Designs Two: Thilla’s Surfari for the NES. In it, you play as Thrilla Gorilla, a poorly thought out surfboard mascot who has to save his bikini-clad girlfriend from some witch-doctor. That’s the same thing as that other game, right?

Yes, I am aware that this is not what you meant, readers. Unfortunately (I mean fortunately) Reid has placed a pretty solid ban on me putting any more pictures of Japanese sex robots on this website. My initial article on them has done enough damage.

You like robots? Here.

The artist’s name is Stephane Halleux, and he’s an awesome French sculptor who makes steampunk robots and cars and dolls and whatnot. Cool, right? I swear, does EVERYTHING you guys search for have to be about sex?

Apparently not. I mean I hope not. I mean GOD I HOPE NOT.

Obviously this happy fellow, the midwestern polka king supreme, is the subject of the third installment in Syd’s reviews of RFDTV programming written last year. They’re good articles, give ‘em a read. But for the love of god, stop searching for this guy on the internet.

If you like weird old men on television, why not check out Danny DeVito on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?

Think of it as sort of like Arrested Development only filthier. Way, WAY filthier.

Another one of Syd’s articles, and another weird situation where we’re on the first page of a google image search. Why? Didn’t anybody else watch this cartoon? It was pretty good, I thought.

You know what else is a good vividly colorful, surrealist comedy show about cooking? Food Party, on IFC.

Food Party is a cooking show (sort of) hosted by Thu Tran, a young woman who apparently resides inside a nightmare made out of felt and messes. It’s funny as hell served with oregano. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Ah, that incredibly shitty band I wrote a review about as part of my laughably abandoned new years’ resolution. As opposed to… this shitty band I wrote a review about as part of my laughably abandoned new years’ resolution. Take your pick.

This one I don’t mind so much, if only because the page it’s referencing, on our sub-site the Con-wiki, is exactly what people were looking for. EXACTLY. So kudos, you people got one out of ten right. Good job.

This one is tricky. A shitty giant animal sci-fi movie made on a measly budget and probably five hundred miles away from anything even remotely resembling talent is the kind of thing we probably WOULD review on this site, but as it stands there’s only one article that just mentions the movie.

Well this just won’t do. I hereby promise that this month, we will feature a review of Supercroc. In the meantime, you can read a really REALLY old review of a movie that’s probably exactly the same shit- FRANKENFISH.

Now we just need Frankenfish Vs Supercroc and the prophecy will be fulfilled…

Who? Oh, one of the Hee-Haw honeys, great. Again, Syd’s odyssey through RFDTV brought this about. Uh, fuck, what can I recommend instead of looking for her…

Uh…

How about this neat article about John Gochnaur, the worst baseball player of all time? Yeah, that works. Whatever.

I give up. I seriously give up, why the FUCK would we get hits for a recognizable brand and mascot that have been prominent in media for more than half a century? Here, read about mints. Fuck you.

That wraps it up for this edition of Top Ten Searches of the Month. If we haven’t lost at least ONE of these entries by next month, then I say we just say screw it and turn this site into some kind of index of “the hottest women of cable access television” and have videos of them wrestling robot crocodiles. Far be it from me to stand in the way of progress.

You know the drill. Punch rock-n-roll Kojak there in the face to pull up a totally random wikipedia article for your reading pleasure. This week’s discoveries include:

Aynuk and Ayli- A pair of “mythical characters… that feature in a large number of local jokes” for the English “Black Country”. Apparently one region of Northern England, between Staffordshire and Worcestershire, has an accent that’s fucking impossible for outsider to make sense out of, and these two guys are the go-to pair for making fun of them. Kind of like an Olde-English Sven and Ole.

That could be funny, right? Here’s a sample:

Ayli was late for work and Aynuk asked him where he had been.

Ayli: “I’ve been to ‘av me ‘air cut.”
Aynuk: “In the firm’s time?”
Ayli: “Well it grows in the firm’s time, doh it?”
Aynuk: “It doh all grow in the firm’s time!”
Ayli: “I day ‘av it all cut off !”

Uh… okay. Heh, that’s… uh… funny. Because his hair grows at work, but not all of it, so he only had the… wait. How about:

Aynuk: ” Cum on Ayli wesh yer onds ya tays ni on ready, wim avin a nois bit o’ vera lynn”
Ayli “OH NO, NOT WHALE MATE AGEN”.

Haha, I get it, he’s gonna… wash his hands so they can eat whale for dinner…? Maybe it’s Olde English stoner humor, I dunno. Ayli and Aynuk go to an Actual Castle.

Diogenes of Sinope- Alright, crotchety old Greek philosophers! So Diogenes was a founding Cynic, and he was a mean old codger who slept in a bowl, jacked off in public, peed on people he was angry at and did public stunts like carry a lantern around in the daytime “looking for an honest man”. He rejected… well, looks like everything, actually. Except dogs. He liked dogs.

Also, “he regularly argued with Plato, disputing his interpretation of Socrates and sabotaging his lectures.” That’s awesome. Imagine Plato, one of the most respected philosophers of all time, discussing life and the universe on the steps of the academy with his disciples- such a grand, respectable image. Then imagine there’s some half-naked old crazy jerk who lives in a bathtub and keeps coming by throwing dead chickens at Plato and calling him a phony, and Plato just has to shake his head and try to keep going with what he was doing. A little less regal. I like that.

Another story holds that Alexander the Great came to visit Diogenes and found him looking at a pile of human bones. When asked why, Diogenes replied “I’m trying to find the bones of your father, but they’re indistinguishable from the bones of a slave”. Daaaaaamn, son. That’s the equivalent of modernly telling the president “FUCKIN’ YOUR MOM, THAT’S WHAT I’M DOING”. And then you throw dead chickens at him from a bathtub. This guy’s cool.

The Sound-Sweep- Oh good, an old short sci-fi story about a “a mute boy vacuuming up stray music in a world without it, (who) comes upon an opera singer hiding in a sewer. As all music has been outlawed and destroyed, the opera singer is obsolete.” That sounds… uh… blunt and uninteresting. Was there some law in the 60′s that said nine out of every ten works of science fiction prose had to be really clumsy metaphors for stupid shit that made no sense? I guess that’s why the absolute greats of the field like Asimov wrote thousands of things, because it was a crap-shoot back then what was going to stick and become relevant.

Although in fairness, this story inspired the lyrics to “Video Killed the Radio Star”. Whoop-de-doo.

Pants Pankuro- This entry is about an animated Japanese public television show that teaches kids about using the toilet. It stars a kid named Pants, who is apparently some kind of hippo in underwear. Oh boy, let’s watch an episode!

Strummin’ Savalas XIV- Rise of the Audubon Empire

O…kay. Honestly this is incredibly tame stuff for a Japanese cartoon, even one aimed at toddlers. The only thing I find distressing is the list of characters on the show, mostly anthropomorphic toilets and whatnot, and one eight-legged washing machine for some reason, but then there’s the last entry-

“Suberi-ika A slide that Pankuro and his friends play on outside.”

So, a talking playground slide is a character… in this educational show about going to the bathroom. There are… so many images that jump to mind about how such a character would be used… and none of them are pleasant.

The Philadelphia Experiment- Hooray for conspiracy theories! If you’ve never heard of it before, the Philidelphia experiment was supposedly the testing of some made-up fake technology (that worked off of unified field theory… somehow…) on the U.S.S. Eldridge in October of 1943. Intended to make battleships invisible, it instead did any of a number of goofy stupid things, like turning the ship into a green fog or teleporting it across the ocean or sending it back in time, and in most versions horrible things happened to the crew like fusing them to the ship or I dunno, turning them into dinosaurs made of noodles. Whatever happened, OBVIOUSLY the government covered it up and brainwashed all the people involved.

It’s impossible to know for sure. Maybe even YOU were aboard that day! Do you remember where you were in the fall of 1943? NO!? GASP! Are you a dinosaur made of noodles!? DOUBLE GASP!

—

So, what should we take away from today’s batch of kid-tested, Savalas-approved random info? I don’t know about you, but I want to start a Japanese cartoon show about a dystopian future where pooping is outlawed, and we follow the exploits of a crotchety old homeless man and his sidekick, an anthropomorphic bathtub who can turn himself invisible and travel through time. They mostly make jokes about how farmers have funny accents and throw dead chickens at the president. And every episode is a minute long.

Sadly, judging from what I know about Anime, this idea probably already exists. Oh well.