Oh how time flies. It was five years ago today that three naive young men in old-timey burglar costumes began their community service for robbing that exotic pet store. Five years of fudging paperwork to make it look like they were ripping out the asbestos from an abandoned pontoon factory rather than running a small business out of it. Five years of dead interns, children’s zoo magazines, armored penguins, Winston Churchill and stolen video games, just to name the specialties on our business cards.
Five years of ConfuseReviews.com. Hot damn.
Of all the traditions we’ve started at CR easily the most self-serving and pointless are our annual awards, the Golden Confys. Celebrating excellence in the field of amusing a statistically negligible audience, and determined by a wholly unfair and secret process that usually involves beer and butt jokes, the Golden Confys are given annually to the best of the best, the funniest and most interesting articles we’ve offered up in the past year. Today we hand out these glittering, arbitrary awards with all the pomp and circumstance you could hope to imbue through jpgs and snide remarks. These are the best articles published on ConfuseReviews.com in 2010.
Best Book Article: Batman: Digital Bullshit by Reid
Best Film & TV Article: The Latest and… Latest in Video Game Fan Films by Ian and Brett
Best Food Article: Adventures in Winery: Of Cats and Fish and Boxes by Ian and Reid
Best Games Article: Fallout 3.5: New Vegas by Reid
Best Holiday Article: The First and Only CPVDGE!! by Ian and Reid
Best Music Article: Dio More Like DEADO by Reid
Best Miscellaneous Article: Kathy’s Fast Food Toys by Ian and Reid
Best Nintendo ROM Friday: Shadow Warriors- Episode II- The Dark Sword of Chaos by Reid
Best Ad Versus Ad: Drive-In Doublefeature Megadose! by Ian and Zach
Best Other Features Article: A Rude Memo From the 2010 Confuse Reviews Summer Interns by Syd
Of course the Golden Confys wouldn’t be complete without a little humility, and so we present our annual Worst Article of the Year award. This year’s “winner” is a really remarkably inexplicable entry by Ian, who had a browser error once and decided that this was enough to base an article on, one where he displays a shocking ignorance about basically everything.
Worst Article of 2010: Gizmodo, Long Time No See! How’ve You UGGHHHH… by Ian
Even more damning is this year’s Best Article, also by Ian, which just shows how lazy and stupid his Worst Article is in comparison. Though in fairness, not every article can have Orson Welles in a children’s viking hat stealing food from kids. NOT YET AT LEAST.
Best Article of 2010: Dicey Games, Oh My by Ian
Remember the ConWiki, our experiment in open insanity that anyone can edit? No? Well neither did we for most of the year, but that didn’t stop us from having one or two decent upates in 2010. The clear best is a comprehensive guide to everybody’s favorite insane hobo and his ever-growing line of products.
Best ConWiki Article of 2010: C. Harles Barkley
Finally, our annual grab-bag prize. This year, we felt compelled to honor a really magical addition to ConfuseReviews.com, namely the utterly insane comments left on a whole slew of articles by none other than…
Most Insane Comments of 2010: Reid’s Mom
Yes, in 2010 Reid’s mom apparently lost her mind for at least the windows of time it took to write absolutely bat-shit crazy things in our comments sections, some of which are basically articles on their own. That’s why we love her, and honor her with the first ever “Most Insane Comments” award.
So there you have it! Superfluous, self-serving, pointless festivities to celebrate a milestone that by all rights should never have been met. Feel free to peruse these and other articles in our ever-expanding archives of inexplicable posturing and commentary where none was required. If we’re still doing this crap in five MORE years, please accept our sincere apologies in advance.
And speaking of apologies, it’s time for another annual CR tradition, as we give our usual mascots the next week off! In their place is everybody’s favorite bear-or-maybe-ape with the unhingeable nightmare maw, straight from a derilect Dairy Queen marketing campaign nobody in their right mind would remember: Chompanzee! Take ‘er away, Chompy!