By Ian, Reid, and Zach
One of the best resources I’ve discovered for writing daily comedy updates (other than occasionally not being funny…heh heh…) is Gizmodo.com, an online review site for overpriced and mostly useless gadgets and toys for grown men and whatnot. Whenever my optimism for humanity is acting up and I can’t think of anything monumentally stupid to harass with witticisms, I just log on to Gizmodo and bam- there it is. Something to make me ashamed of my species, every time.
I do this a lot, as regular readers of the site may already know. Sometimes I worry about running low on material from Gizmodo, but actually the opposite is true- Gizmodo will get backlogged with stupidity I just can’t lampoon fast enough sometimes. So I thought this time I’d recruit fellow confounding fathers Reid and Zach, and we’d work through a dozen or so of the immensely stupid products that Gizmodo has reviewed- thin out the herd, as it were. Enjoy!
Ian- The best adult toys are ones you piece together like Voltron.
Reid- Um… i think this is a toothbrush, not an adult toy. You sick bastard.
Zach- But… it’s on the internet. And it vibrates.
Ian- I’m… not saying I use a toothbrush for…
Reid- Also, this is completely different than a “real” sonic toothbrush. Just because it vibrates does not mean it does the same thing.
Zach- It’s always… THE… toothbrush, never… YOUR… toothbrush. You never assume ownership of a toothbrush.
Ian- Seriously, imagine what you could build with this thing and a turkey baster full of sand.
Reid- I for one was seriously expecting it to be blue with little shoes and I am incredibly disappointed.
Reid- Oh come on, it’s Gizmodo.
Zach- Does it make filing cabinets scream? If not, I don’t want one.
Zach- My dentist had a demo model of the SoniCare brush on a filing cabinet in his exam room. If you turn one of those fuckers on in the stand, it vibrates just right to make the entire filing cabinet a sounding board for a VERY high frequency grinding noise.
Ian- Good to know.
Zach- It was an unpleasant surprise, to say the least.
Ian- Hey, do you think if you put a screwdriver in that thing you could make a mechanic think he has palsy?
Reid- Are you suggesting a mechanic wouldn’t realize he had a giant unweildy shaky device on his tools?
Reid- I do not want that mechanic.
Ian- Okay, then, if you tuned one of these JUST right and put a pencil in it, could Michael J. Fox draw a straight line?
Reid- Ah, a Michael J. Fox joke. Clever.
Ian- Yes, thankyou, I’m on the cutting edge.
Zach- Maybe if you turned it on just right, Muhammad Ali could brush his goddamn teeth.
Ian- He’s so fast he turns on his toothbrush and is in bed before his teeth are clean! Wait…
Reid- Ah, a poophat.
Ian- Not just a poop hat. A 22 dollar poop hat. I can think of… well, at least one cheaper way to get a poop hat.
Reid- I must be a racist, because i’m not surprised at all that the guy wearing it is Japanese.
Reid- The only thing that does surprise me is that it doesn’t come with a matching backpack and vinyl pants.
Zach- And a sack of used panties.
Reid- Poopy panties?
Ian- Do those come with an elastic strap too?
Reid- Panties? I would imagine so.
3: Crocodile Eating a Dog Costume
Reid- Here, give your dog forty pounds to drag around.
Ian- This is much better than my idea for a “I’m eating a dead dog” costume for pet crocodiles.
Reid- I can imagine.
Ian- That one didn’t sell too well. But it was cheap to make.
Reid- Just add dog.
Ian- Insert Korean food joke here.
Reid- I bet they took that picture at the one single second during the forty minute dog walk where the asscroc was actually upright and on it’s feet.
Ian- Yeah, the one moment it was not being bitten furiously by the frantic dog trying to get it off.
Zach- What happens when the dog shits in it?
Ian- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Reid- I guess you don’t have to curb your dog, then
Ian- Oh hey, that’s a great idea. Just make a long plastic tube with two little legs that your dog walks around in. Pulling a train of his own feces behind him like a tired hobo with a trashbag full of clothes.
Reid- And to think, they thought my costume of a plastic bag eating a dog’s ass was tasteless.
4: Vertical Bike Racks
Ian- Good year fer bike harvest, I reckon.
Zach- Don’t pick the unicycles, ain’t ready fer eatin’ yet.
Reid- Look, if you can get your bike up there, someone else can take it down just as easily.
Zach- I was just gonna say…
Reid- And you can’t get it up there in the first place, you fat American fuck.
Ian- This is just more control by the tall-ocracy.
Zach- Unless all bike thieves are midgets.
Ian- Every bike you steal you lose two inches.
Zach- That’s old testement law, how does it work here?
Ian- A bike for a bike, and a tooth for a… bike.
Reid- How do they even stay up there? Are those poles magnetic… to rubber?
Ian- Uh…. huh, I don’t know.
Reid- I think that’s just a photoshop someone made and sent to gizmodo.
Zach- Apparently you lock the bike in, and it hoists it in the air for you. Then you lock it with a fingerprint.
Reid- Wow. That’s fucking retarded.
Ian- What, then you go through a series of doors and the chief tells you what your mission is in the CONE OF SILENCE?
Zach- Which is on the other side of a room full of sing-songy machine guns.
Ian- So they’re robotic fingerprint scanning bike racks… I’d be more tempted to steal one of those and leave the bikes. They have to be worth a hundred times more than a bike- are there racks to protect the bikeracks, ones that scan your corneas with tiny spider robots to keep THOSE safe?
Reid- My favorite part about this design is how it skews and horribly flattens the bikes facing certain directions. That’s awesome.
Ian- Always a classic. I wonder if they claim this one turns cat poop into uranium.
Reid- “It’s a rare day when Gizmodo gets the opportunity to write about cat bodily function gadgets, and today is one of those fabulous days.”
Ian- Wow, it actually washes the litter with a little sprayer.
Reid- Oh good, because I really like wasting a gallon of cat litter every time the cat takes a piss. It’s not like that stuff is five bucks a pound or anything.
Ian- Isn’t the point of cat litter that getting it wet makes it turn into a big horrible clump?
Reid- Yes. That is indeed the entire point of cat litter. Though this does say it uses a specific kind of litter… that is, I guess, wet resistant.
Ian- So… it doesn’t even serve the purpose of cat litter.
Reid- Right. Also, that cat isn’t in that picture.
Ian- Sure he is, look at him cleaning himself… off there where the tile fades to limbo…
Reid- That’s why it works for him, it’s an extradimensional cat.
Ian- Is he both dead and alive at the same time while he’s in that plastic toilet?
Reid- There are some good responses to this review. “I’d argue a gun is a much cheaper and more effective way to remove cat poop.”
Ian- Zach, have you been spamming Gizmodo again?
Reid- FUCK YOU CAT POOP! BLAM BLAM BLAM!!
Zach- Puts less holes in the floor, but harder to clean.
Ian- why is there a deep fry basket on this thing?
Reid- So the cat can have a snack while it’s pooping! It’s the future of human toilets as well.
Ian- Mmm, fried catfood on the turlet.
Zach- Toilets that hover with built in cupcake-in-a-cup vendos programmed to respond to clumsy fat babyfinger presses.
Reid- Also, the edges of that cat shitter are like 8 inches off the ground. The cat would have to jump into it to get in, but unfortunately it’s only about six inches wide on the inside. So… cat trauma all around!
Reid- Because I often find myself wanting a towel when all I have is a bag of pills. So instead i just tweak out and stay wet.
Zach- This is kinda cool, actually. Stupid growing foam dinosaur technology put to good use.
Ian- But anything you dry off with it will smell like those foam dinosaurs. That’s bad.
Reid- And they have to be wet to expand to towels in the first place… meaning you’d have to dry off the towel…
Ian- With another one of them. That’s why they’re so compact, you need an infinite number to accomplish anything.
Reid- Now, if they made these moist towellettes, that would be good. But that would involve making moist towelettes that are larger than six microns.
Zach- You mean… useful moist towelettes?
Reid- Yes. So this can never happen.
Reid- Are you just doing searches for poop, Ian?
Ian- I swear I’m not, this came up in a search for barbecue.
Reid- Wow, this is horribly disgusting. Nothing better than the smell of propane-cooked shit
Ian- Yeah, since when is burning your waste “eco friendly”? Are we saying that trashfires are okay now?
Reid- And since propane is so much cheaper and easier to get than water, it makes perfect– wait.
Ian- How long before some weekend warrior tries to figure out how to cook a salmon in it? What a terrible idea this entire thing is.
Reid- Those guys are fucking happy about their poop cooker, though.
Ian- Isn’t that the new James Bond on the left there?
Reid- And what’s the hole in the top for?
Reid- You know what, I bet that’s the chimney.
Ian- SANTA, NO!
Reid- It’s just constantly pumping out shitsmoke and poogas.
Ian- Delightful. You’ve been awfully quiet on the shitfurnacetoiletmotron, Zach. What do you think?
Zach- I think it’s one step away from disposing of unwanted fetuses in a very, very terrifying manner.
Ian- Wait, what one step? For god’s sake, she could read a newspaper while it happens.
Zach- Just dump your bastard spawn into an auger driven Helltoilet. And the GRINDING noises…
Ian- Wow, okay, moving on.
Reid- …then recycles that water to flush your poop down the furnace!
Ian- All great inventions come from necessity. Like whoever made this obviously had a big problem with… umbrella runoff?
Zach- Or lived in a climate where umbrellas… existed. Unlike us.
Ian- Hey, I’ve lived in places where you use umbrellas, and I never had a problem with so much water spilling out of them when I came inside as to justify an entire ecosystem.
Reid- So when it’s not raining and you haven’t just come in from outside, the grass just dies. Like it would… outside.
Ian- What I like about this thing is that the umbrella has to have a sharp point on it to go into the sod like that. Did the Penguin invent this?
Reid- No, then it would be mutant crazy clown gas grass.
Ian- THAT’S THE JOKER YOU NEEEEERD!
Reid- THE PENGUIN HAD THE EXACT SAME STUFF!
Ian- SHUT UP!
Zach- Stop it! CAN’T YOU SEE YOU’RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART?!
9: “Creamy Center of a Donut” iPod Dock
Reid- Voted stupidest fucking name for an article ever.
Ian- I like how iPod peripheral stuff always has a snug dock for them, but every generation of ipod is shaped differently and is a different size.
Zach- It’s a melon.
Zach- iMelon Cantaloupe Dock.
Ian- What are you talking about? Melons?
Zach- featuring BUTTONS.
Reid- No, it’s a creamy donut, Zach. A creamy… buffalo donut.
Zach- IT’S A FUCKING MELON YOU GODDAMN FASCIST
Reid- I… okay. Don’t hit me!
Ian- Creamy buffalo donut!? WHAT!?
Reid- Creamy buffalo donut just HAS to be sexual slang for something.
Zach- Donuts filled with Buffalo Squeezin’s. Ask Tom Waits… he knows.
Reid- Time to make the buffalo cream donuts.
Ian- If somebody said that to me during my morning commute, I’d probably have to go hide under a desk in a police station for a while. Even if it was Tom Waits who said it. ESPECIALLY if it was Tom Waits who said it.
10: Spring-loaded Attack Spoons
Ian- Have you heard my new band, Zing Lunch Launchers? We’re… not very good.
Reid- It’s… a spoon with a spring handle. That would give you zero to no control over things you fling from it.
Ian- But it might keep doors from slamming against the wall when you open them.
Reid- The best part about this is the background behind the kid flinging the broccoli. It’s a nice dinner setup with crystal glasses and everything- PERFECT TIME TO BREAK OUT THE SPRING SPOONS AND FOOD FIGHT!
Ian- His dad’s accepting a prominent award and Timmy super-tech here decides it’s time to go all Dennis The Menace 2000. This is the sort of invention you expect Ernest to make in a movie where he’s a cafeteria worker.
Reid- “Ernest goes to work!”
Zach- “Ernest Sleeps in the Drunk Tank!”
Reid- “Ernest does community service at the old folks home!”
Ian- “Ernest Invents Spoons!”
11: Popcorn Fork
Ian- Wow, this thing… seems unnecessary. But at least it has salt built into its obviously-a-length-of-capped-pvc handle.
Reid- I keep seeing these things get stupider but THIS is the stupidest. Wait, they come in 12 packs?! Are they disposable?!
Ian- Maybe you can’t replace the salt once it runs out. Maybe it’s like a ketchup packet grafted to a fork… but for popcorn… Christ almighty people are dumb.
Zach- So everyone at your stupid party can use popcorn forks to eat as anal-retentively as you do.
Reid- What’s next, a special utensil to eat pizza with? Pfft.
Zach- Also, it might be hard to wash them with built in salt
Ian- So just throw them away? You know what’s easier than that- just eat popcorn with your fucking hands like a regular human being.
Zach- Or as one comment says, with your face in the bag like an animal.
Ian- I wonder if this company makes products to safely eat other horribly messy foods like grapes or perhaps water.
Reid- With built-in ice in the tongs.
Ian- “This stalk of celery is SOOO messy! And hot to the touch, ouch! I better use my disposable peanut-butter-extruding crane to eat it. WHIRRRRR CLANK CLANK CLANK”.
Reid- What they need next is a popcorn corer/slicer/peeler.
Ian- Oh that’d be good. I’m so tired of being unable to find good seedless popcorn in this town.
Reid- Ooh, a rubber novelty radio.
Ian- It looks like something from one of those horrible ArmyMen games for the playstation one.
Zach- Is it a Lego radio?
Reid- The rubber speaker is interesting. I bet the sound is the worst possible.
Ian- It’s like listening to your favorite music through a rubber squeek toy.
Reid- As i am oft wont to do.
Ian- I bet the warranty doesn’t cover being chewed up by dogs, that’s how they getcha.
Reid- “Bad dog! Great, now I gotta pop another 70 bucks for in-shower radio listening…”
Ian- At least it doesn’t come out of a pill.
13: Piggybank with Built In Videogame
Reid- BANKQUEST! It’s funny just to say…
Ian- I don’t know if this one is terrible or awesome.
Reid- It’s like someone built a tamogatchi into a playmobil castle and added a coin slot at the top.
Zach- Does it know it if you stuff a 100 dollar bill in, and if so, does it seriously skew the game in your favor?
Reid- Also, what’s to stop you from taking out the money and putting it back in?
Ian- Maybe you can’t take it out until you win the game.
Zach- Oh, that’s bullcrap.
Ian- You’re like “Oh man I need medicine or I’m gonna die. GODDAM CHOCOBOS, FUCKING BREED!”
Reid- Yeah, I think I would only be interested in an rpg bank if I got more money from scoring well at the game.
Zach- An RPG built into an ATM?
Ian- There you go. And you get extra interest on your deposits for killing rats and saving princesses.
Reid- Enter thy name and class!
Zach- Kill all the rats in my 401k plan!
Reid- Olde englishe or olde spanishe?
Zach- ENTER THY PINNE.
Ian- Your roommate saves over your file and now you’re destitute.
Zach- That fucker.
Reid- Nice variation on the asscroc theme again…
Ian- You know, my hands get so cold when I’m computing, sometimes I just dream of them getting eaten by dolphins. That’d be perfect.
Zach- It needs to be a cat…eating your mouse…get it? Ha. Ha.
Ian- Oh that’s cute. Shut up.
Reid- Wait, does this have a mouse built into it? So it’s just a usb mitten that makes it so people can never type with their right hand ever again?
Ian- AND it’s shaped like Charlie Tuna!
Reid- Ah. And look how happy she is! Now she can… look at her clock…
Ian- Yes, look at her go. Worst James Bond Villain ever.
Reid- More like a dick tracy villain. “Fish Hand Lilly Wong”.
Reid- Well she’d have to be very overtly racist to get into Dick Tracy
Ian- It almost looks like her hand is a sportsfan.
Reid- WE’RE NUMBER FISH! WE’RE NUMBER FISH!