Living in a major metropolitan area is quite an experience. Growing up in a town of about seventy-five thousand people gets you used to everything closing at nine, having nothing to do during most of the day but roam the streets like lost cattle, harass the patrons at the local card shop or stare at walls until they become interesting, which would explain why most of the Confusereviews staff (barring Syd and Becca) made over 100 episodes of a budget Mystery Science Theater 3000 called ‘The Ungodly Hours Movie Matinee’… there is literally NOTHING to do in our collective hometown.

Denver is different, better, larger, faster, stronger, it has the technology. Two million people, a public transit system that runs after dusk (they’ve curbed the giant bat problem here with the sound of screech owls. Longmont still just runs the air-raid sirens at sunset), bars that range from seedy to obnoxiously hip, restaurants with varying requirements for intestinal fortitude, genuinely dismal sports teams and most importantly, open-air malls. I don’t drive anymore, you see, because my car and I had an argument; I tried to drive it without addressing its needs and it tried to kill me. You win some, you lose some. Because I live on the edge of fuck-all oblivion, this means taking public transit to downtown Denver before I can go anywhere else, and so I’ve been (stranded) given a few chances to (prevent my bladder from exploding by searching frantically for a public restroom) explore downtown Denver. So here’s something of a pocket guide (if you have a Blackberry, congratulations, not only is this a pocket guide, but you’re an incurable douche) to the sights, attractions and otherwise distracting things to do in Denver, whether or not you’re dead.

Black People – You think this is funny. Longmont is, according to the 2000 census, 98.7% white people, and it’s something of a culture shock to go from a town that was literally founded by the Klan to a city where blinged-out gangstas can argue, loudly and in public, about what order you need to kill the bosses in in Megaman 2. Not kidding; nerdism knows no bounds, no culture, and no shame.

The Light Rail – THE BEST way to get anywhere in most of the Denver Metro area. You have a car? Park it. Take the damn train. Running parallel with I-25 from downtown and up around most of the biggest attractions in the city, the Light Rail is always the right temperature, quiet enough to fall asleep on, only Beijing-levels of crowded at rush hour and then only in the direction opposite of where you’re going. If you’re lucky, the rail cops won’t check on your train and you can ride it for free! Fucking TRAINS!

The 16th Street Mall – The definitive “big-city” experience in Denver and penultimate fancy location. Home to the Pavillions and Denver’s Hard Rock cafe, as well as department stores, convenience stores, outlet shops, street vendors, restaurants, movie theaters, live music, the regional bus station and direct access to most everything else in downtown. Also home to buskers, bums, and beggars of various political affiliations. Get drunk and take a rickshaw to the only public restroom (the Starbucks at 16th and California) where you will get beat up by homeless street performers for cigarettes. Oh for fun!

Tokyo Joe’s, Chipotle, Good Times and Qdoba – Denver-based businesses and damn fine places to eat. They all sort of look the same, with that wood-and-stainless interior design thing that will look as bad as advocado-colored appliances in twenty years. Qdoba (Kew-doh-baa) and Chipotle (Chee-poh-tul) specialize in gourmet Mexican food, Good Times (Gud Tie-mz) is a fast-food burger joint of exceptional quality, while Tokyo Joe’s (Toe-kee-oh Johz) specializes in things with rice in them. You go to Chipotle for the football sized burritos, you go to Qdoba for everything that’s NOT a burrito, you hit Good Times for burgers made of actual meat and you go to Tokyo Joe’s if you want noodles or raw fish. Qdoba has a member card that you register online, which rewrds your shameless overeating with free burritos. Tokyo Joe’s is the only chain I’ve ever seen that uses an old fashioned punch card (which they’ll punch for any and every different entree) and once you fill it, the 13th entree is free, even if it’s the single most expensive item you can get. All meals range about five bucks at least, upwards of however much you spend to gluttonize yourself. Pig.

Greenpeacers – AVOID. Like Public Television that you can’t shut off. Attractive (albeit a bit hippied-up) girls in light blue polo shirts who have clipboards and are not afraid to show you pictures of polar bears and trees. They will claim that it’s your fault the world is dying a slow, screaming death, back up their claims with scientific data from 1992, and ask coerce you into filling out an “application” so you can “donate” to their cause. This is an order form. Last I knew “Donating” didn’t require a “minimum monthly balance” that would be taken “directly from your credit card.” If approched, scream incoherently. You’d be surprised how often this works in general.

The Homeless – This is why screaming incoherently works so often. The Denver Rescue Mission is at the north end of downtown, and they dispatch vagrants into the district to beg for change in the form of selling you the newspapers they publish… which are about the homeless. Articles from the homeless about the homeless discussing issues that matter to the homeless. The comic on the back is awful. F-, would not buy again. I recommend carrying a sandwich, a pack of cigarettes and a roll of quarters with you (because those are the three things they ask for) if you’re going to spend any significant amount of time downtown. Not so you can give them anything, but so you can show them what they SHOULD have asked for and enjoy it deeply in front of them. Post in the comments if you get shanked for it.

Starbucks – On the 16th Street Mall, there is literally one every block and a half, average. I counted.

Observation Decks – None. You’d think that with all the spectacular views available from the Denver area and all the skyscrapers downtown, at least one of the buildings would have some sort of observation deck. Not so. In fact, if you try to take the stairs to the top level of most downtown buildings, all you get is locked in a stairwell.

Park Meadows Mall – A quick shot down the Light Rail from downtown, and a complete waste of time. This yuppie wasteland gets honorable mention only because it is the most unnecessarily snooty and uninteresting place in the entire Metro area. Here’s a cross section of their stores to give you an idea what kind of mall this is:

• Armani Exchange
• American Eagle Outfitters
• The Apple Store
• Banana Republic
• The Cheesecake Factory
• Claire’s Boutique (required by Federal Law, I think)
• Crate & Barrel
• Dillard’s
• Eddie Bauer
• Franklin Covey
• Gap Kids
• Guess
• Hot Topic (brightly lit and inviting. Seriously.)
• J. Crew
• Lucky Brand Jeans
• Nordstrom
• Pawsitively Pets (DOG SWEATERS)
• Pottery Barn
• Sephora
• Starbucks (again, required by Federal Law)
• Swarovski
• Talbots
• Zumiez

If you find any of those things appealing, then you’re either lost on the internets or not reading them off of this website. I’ve actually had people guide their children away from me in this mall because I “looked poor.” Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

There are plenty of other things to do in Denver (shut up, Warren Zevon!), but for someone traveling downtown on a budget, this is a good start. Got a favorite place to get throwing-up drunk or someplace you think needs to be shit on because their food tastes like ass and all the waitresses are fat? Go ahead and leave comments, I’ll try it out and do another one of these eventually. Take it, angrysaur!