Season’s greetings, Confusionauts. A week and a day from now it’ll be Christmas, so make sure to get the most out of what’s left of “the holidays” while you can- buy your shortbread and chocolate oranges, look for gift cards on the ground in front of stores, tell your friends, coworkers, neighbors and family all the awful secrets you’ve been saving up for a time when they might feel more forgiving. Only 8 days left to procrastinate sending Christmas cards, then you’ll have to go in and hastily scribble the word “late” between “happy” and “holidays”, forget to mail them for another few months and finally get the things in the box by May. Oh fuck, I just made a Cathy joke, didn’t I? Aack!

Anyway, of all the things that you can only do or get or get away with during the holidays, I personally think the most important is our very special ConfuseReviews.com Adverse Calendar, which for absolutely free will update every day on your desktop with just a click of the mouse! Not only will you get delicious jpg treats every day, but you’ll also find out tons of fun Christmas trivia that is better than the average run-of-the-mill Christmas trivia you get online.

That’s right, it’s simply better trivia- in fact I can guarantee that the Official Free ConfuseReviews.com Adverse Calendar That I’m Mentioning Here Again has the best Christmas trivia the internet has to offer, and to prove it we’re going to look at some other examples of yuletide fun-facts I’ve found on the world wassailing web. I think that once you see the various odd and awful factoids I’ve pulled from HTML pages that look like they were made by middle school classes in 1995, you’ll be BEGGING TO DOWNLOAD OUR OFFICIAL CONFUSEREVIEWS.COM ADVERSE CALENDAR DOWNLOAD IT RIGHT NOW YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

But you can be the judge of that- on to the shitty MIDI-screeching gramma-website trivia questions!

This is really a stunning graphic, isn’t it? I haven’t altered or resized any of these images (except for some cropping where the original source was too wide to actually fit on a screen, hooray for table settings), because I wanted to preserve that special raw beauty to shitty web design. Every one of these trivia questions is exactly as I found it, and just look at ‘em. We have an amorphous photograph background that probably scrolls with the window, a jittery gif with a scroll-over bit of embedded text for an answer (it pops up like MAAAAGIC!), and some big clunky bold text in a question that is both grammatically incorrect AND has an answer that wasn’t either of the words given as options. It’s just… astounding, isn’t it?

As for the question itself, you might at first think “oh, what a stupidly simple question”. Yes, it’s true that you’d kind of have to be a moron to think that a character named FROSTY THE SNOWMAN was a woman, but that’s not where the challenge here is. Read the question again- Frosty is a girl or boy? “Aha!”, you say. “The way the question is worded, the answer should technically be ‘yes’, because Frosty is indeed one of those genders”. And so you would answer “yes” and the computer would say no, Frosty was a male, you lose. It’s rather insidious, really.

Another brilliant fake-out, designed to keep you on your Christmas trivia toes. Perhaps it is the famous douglas fir tree that Christmas decoration afficionados prefer? Or would the Great Basin Bristlecone Pine, with it’s long periods of needle retention between sheds, be the real Porsche of pines? I don’t really know, it’s not something I would normally think about, but the distinction might be fasci…

Oh. Outsmarted me again, gramma website. The answer might as well have been “real”.

Hmm… try as I might, it’s very hard to construct a hypothetical situation where that is the correct answer to that question. Well, okay, perhaps there’s a “pacific ocean range”… nope. A little research shows that nobody named a mountain range “Pacific Ocean mountain range”. Even an underwater one. Also, there is no Wikipedia entry for “Christmas Ridge”, and the first Google result for it is… the website I found this question on. Oh, and a WikiAnswers page that says it’s in the Atlantic. That’s about it other than big ol’ dense PDFs about fish.

Okay, if that’s the way you want to play it, stupid websites. Here’s a question for you- Which U.S. state is Mount SantaClaus the candy volcano located in? Answer- Earth.

Where the fuck else does Yogi bear go? I mean, sometimes he goes to the city to get chased around the I-beams of a skyscraper under construction, but does he regularly visit other state parks? No, he just kinda stays in Jellystone park… this is the saddest kind of Christmas trivia, just regular trivia with the world Christmas inserted into it. They had a question about Yogi Bear, but had to festive it up. It’d be like me asking “What is the atomic weight of lithium on Christmas” or “What was Louis Armstrong’s nickname for his trumpet if it was Christmas today”, or so forth.

It’s still unsubstantiated, but sources have suggested that the theft of Christmas may have been the work of local miserly curmudgeon The Grinch. It’s not much more than gossip at this point, the story has only been a family classic for about 51 years now. We may never really know who did it- it’s like the JFK assassination… except maybe a little easier to solve by asking absolutely anyone you run into on the street anywhere in the world.

That’s very interesting, I would think most aerosol products that haven’t been sold since 1965 would be bad choices as fire extinguishers. I mean, I could be wrong- perhaps they used to make canned snow out of asbestos, that would make it good for putting out fires. I mean, everything was made out of toxic chemicals in the 60′s, it was the goddam rocket age. Nothing quite so festive as spray-can asbestos foam over those jumbo ungrounded lead paint covered Christmas lights, untreated polyester bristle tree branches and flaking ornaments covered in that aluminum paint that almost killed the original Tin Man in Wizard of Oz. Oh, Christmas eve at Love Canal, how I miss you…

Jesus, could there be a more depressing way to ask this question? “What final wisdom did Frosty offer the cruel world as he gasped his last?”. I don’t remember Frosty the Snowman being a dreadfully sad tale like that…

… oh, okay. I guess I forgot the part when Frosty the Snowman got mowed down by a car and died. Thanks, trivia game.

Alright, I call foul. You’re not allowed to take a random scene from an obscure 1985 John Lithgow movie and call it Christmas trivia, and you’re CERTAINLY not allowed to then misspell a four letter word answer. “Oh, what color was the bicycle in the background at 01:45:15:22 in ‘Santa Beach Party 3′ from 1989 starring Dom Deluise and Delta Burke? Answer- Rod!”.

This one question says a lot about the person who made this site. She’s seen this movie, so obviously so has everyone else. Her little 4-year-old nephew used to love this part of it, so obviously that’s the most memorable scene. Fuck, her sister’s kids are probably the reason she made this site as what may be the worst Christmas present imaginable, and I’d say that if not for her inadvertadly inventing a fake land mass that someone might accidentally search for online, then I would be the only human being outside her family to ever visit this site, and the only person in history to do so willingly. As long as I’m supposing about Mz. “Brownielocks”: she’s probably in her early forties, owns a craft store called “Creations by Colleen” or something similar, and she sells festively painted clothespin people and drawings of teddy bears fixing little wagons with bible verses over them there, and everything costs like 40 dollars more than it should. Oh, and she definitely believes in the magic powers of birthstones and thinks that she looks good wearing colors like wasabi paste neon green and safety orange, and has like 45 dogs of various sizes and strange ailments, all of which are in the store with her whenever it’s open so everything smells like shit and potpourri and hot glue all the time. I think I would be very surprised if I was even a little wrong about ANY of this.

Sigh…

So there you have it, folks. Frosty the Snowman died in a violent automobile crash, the pacific ocean is a mountain range, Santa is friend to all children and some kid likes the part in a movie where they “drink cake”. Thank you, lonely-to-the-point-of-insanity-locks the web designer, you’ve saved yet another Christmas. Now all that’s left for you is to die in your big empty bed where your pets will eat half of you in the month it takes anybody to realize you’re missing because nobody cares. That is your lot in life, your website is the proof. Merry goddam Christmas.