Before we get this started, I just want to mention that, no, this is not an AdVsAd, and yes, we will probably actually do one of those… tomorrow. I won’t spoil any secrets, but it’s so we can use commercials from this year’s Super Bowl! Oh… wait. Shit. Anyway, on to your irregularly scheduled article.

Bacon. It can be your friend, or it can be your… No, wait, that’s retarded. Bacon is a delicious meat food. That’s all there is to bacon. It can be undercooked and horrible or overcooked and ash-like, and when paired with guacamole it creates some sort of amazing science that doubles as an amazing flavor. That’s all well and good, but I think that these days people make WAY too fucking big of a deal out of bacon. Here, how about a quick list of things that bacon should not be:

• Hats
• Wallets
• Ice cream
• Miniature boats
• Gloves
• Full-sized boats
• And, most DEFINITELY, bacon should NOT BE TURNED INTO board games

And yet, what is it we have here? A board game based on bacon named “Mr. Bacon’s BIG Adventure”. According to the Archie McPhee (the publisher) website, “This is by far the most mouth-watering meatcentric board game ever created!” Which is very possibly true. You know why? BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKING MAKES GAMES BASED ON MEAT!

Recently I had a chance to play Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure (well, to be honest it was quite a long time ago and I was drunk and I only remembered now because I found the pictures on my phone) as the next in the long line of horrible board games Ian manages to find somehow. And boy howdy, let me tell you about this game! It sure was… exactly Candy Land but with meat instead of candy.

Instead of drawing cards, you have one of those terrible little plastic spinner things that you flick with your finger that break under extended use (not that that’s really an issue with this game) and… well, there are also cards which do game-breaking things like take you to the end or beginning. Fun. Instead of bright colors that are easy for kids to distinguish for the spaces, there are little pictures of various types of meat. As far as I could guess, you get things like baloney (which is how it would spelled for this particular instance), that disgusting stuff that comes with little chunks of green whatevers in it, something horribly brown and crusty (bacon?) and… different baloney, I guess. And instead of fanciful lands like the Peppermint Forest, you get really disgusting areas like the “Weiner Wasteland” and the “Sausage Sea”. Bleaugh.

While the game itself is pretty unremarkable, it is worth noting that it is PATENTLY DISGUSTING. I mean, just think about it, you’re a little man made of bacon travelling across this greasy 45 cent meat product land (including a little shack made of Vienna sausages), and the goal of all this is to get to the frying pan at the end of the road, so you can happily be fried and eaten by some gigantic monster who lives in meat land and who probably excretes cooking oil.

I guess you may not share my views on really fatty, greasy food as being something nice every once in a while with a bunch of other stuff to absorb it’s drippings, but at the very least I think you share this view with me: There is not and has never been a call for a game similar to Candy Land but with different foodstuffs. As a closing thought, I’d like to mention that the website displays a prominent “choking hazard” warning. That in itself is funnier than anything else I could write about this game.